When Did We Stop Telling Children "No" ?

NOTE: THIS IS LIKELY TO BE A HIGHLY CONTROVERSIAL POST. BUT I NEVER LET THAT STOP ME BEFORE...

I'm noticing an interesting phenomenon lately amidst parents and children.

It seems that it has become highly unfashionable for parents to tell children "no."

Hmmm.

I do believe it's true that using the words don't, not and no tend to have the reverse effect in communication. For example, because your brain cannot process the words don't, not or no, when you say things like "don't run in the house!" the message that often speaks loudest is "run" and if you don't believe me, just visit your local swimming pool and watch how long it actually takes a kid to slow down when the lifeguard yells "no running!" as opposed to "walk please!"

But in this post, I'm not referring to forward-thinking parents who are taking the time to rephrase their words in order to get what they want.

I'm not talking about the parents who use phrases like "please speak softly" instead of "stop yelling!" because they know the 1st phrase works better than the 2nd phrase when it comes to producing the desired result.

I don't know about you, but the more I look around, the more whiny brats I see.

Kids who are so lacking in discipline that they are hanging from the rafters with nary a parent in sight.

Now answer this question honestly:

If you saw your child climbing on top of your car -- walking and jumping on top of the family vehicle -- which response would it elicit from you:

a) shouting: "Get down from there RIGHT NOW!"

b) softly requesting: "Sweetie, I would prefer that you come down from atop the car."

c) it would never happen because my kid knows I would beat his ass if he did that

I'll be the first to admit, my answer is "a." I'm not saying any one of these answers is better than any other, and I'm not particularly proud of being a yeller, I'm just telling you what I would do.

My own parents' answer would definitely be "c" and I would say that is true. It would never have occurred to me to climb up and walk on top of our car and had I done that, a spanking would surely have ensued.

I'm not necessarily condoning spanking either. It's hard to teach a kid not to hit his sister when the punishment is a spanking. Although I can tell you that when my now-5-year-old was younger and she wouldn't stop biting, I bit her back once. It so surprised and shocked her, and I explained "THAT is what it feels like when you bite someone else." I don't think she ever bit anyone after that.

Not exactly a textbook approach, I know. But it worked.

So what happens when a parent uses response "b" (the soft-spoken request) and nothing happens?

These parents seem to be the anti-yelling, anti-spanking parents, and when the first line of defense doesn't work, what do they resort to next?

In my experience, it appears to be a second gentle request. Something along the lines of (in JUST as sweet a tone as the first request) "darling, I've already asked you once to please come down from there. I would appreciate if you would listen."

Seriously.

If your parents had talked to you like this, would you have one ounce of respect for them? Would you have listened or heeded their request?

Nope, me either.

And when the 2nd request doesn't work (keep in mind, it's already given the child plenty of opportunity to fall, get injured, or set a dreadful example for other children nearby, who are watching and waiting to see what the parent will do), reasoning seems to be the next line of defense.

Only challenge is, I rarely see these subdued parents follow through on their threats to take away a beloved toy.

So what does the child learn from this experience?

Apparently that it's OK to climb on cars. And if it's OK to climb on the family car, wouldn't that mean it's OK to climb on other people's cars? And the highest risk of continuing to do it is the slim possibility of losing a cherished toy for a few minutes.

Hmmm. Interesting.

I'm always looking for parental examples that I admire -- so that I have role models to emulate.

My friend Jen is one such example.

Jen's approach to parenting is similar to mine. Only I think I yell considerably more. But if you met me, and you met Jen, you would know why. :-) I think it's at least partly a personality thing.

Like Jen, I try to find ways to say yes, without giving in to every outrageous whim. Because kids are kids, and they will always push the boundaries to see where the limits are.

"Mom, can I go outside?"

"Not right now, honey - it's night time. But you can go out in the morning before school."

or maybe:

"Mom, can I have some candy?"

"Right after dinner, if you eat all your veggies."

and then:

"Mom, can I ride my sled down the foyer stairs?"

"No sweetie, that's far too dangerous. Why don't you play with your trains instead?"

Giving children options is different from giving children overwhelming decisions to make.

"What would you like to eat?" is a question that puts far too much pressure on any small child (including some 7-year-olds I've met).

What appears to work much better is "Would you like a banana or an orange?"

But seriously, what is wrong with (at least sometimes) telling a child:

"This is what's for dinner. We're all eating together tonight, and this is what we're having."

And if the child refuses to eat (assuming it's not something icky, like liver & onions with brussel sprouts or gluten-free turkey meatloaf with steamed spinach) then there's nothing more to eat.

One of my favorite sayings (and my kids' faves, too) came from a preschool schoolteacher last fall.

"You git whatcha git and you don't throw a fit."

That about sums it up sometimes.

I agree that this new batch of babies requires a new and not-yet-seen-before style of parenting, but I have checked in and I DO NOT get that telling them "Yes" to whatever they want is the answer.

Our children are still looking to us to provide boundaries, guidance, structure. Certainly, too much structure can stifle creativity and cause frustration and angry outbursts. But too little structure makes it impossible for the child to socialize appropriately, accept that they may have to wait to get what they want (or not get it at all), and it can cause kids to become whiny and have meltdowns when they don't get what they want (which must inevitably happen at some point).

We are not serving our children by saying YES to everything they want.

And if you don't believe me (and I'm not actually asking you to!), just use your truth testing method to check in.

In fact, this is the BEST way we can serve our children -- to check in, use our intuition and universal guidance and see what they TRULY need. Then give them that.

Maybe it doesn't take a village to raise a child...just an enlightened parent or two.